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Cynthia Ong

Cynthia Ong
Malaysia

Monday, April 18, 2011

Living in Regret

i wish i was smart enough to write something more meaningful for my blog..
instead all i could think of is complain and whining...
there are a lot of factors or a lot of scenarios which i have experience worse than me..perhaps tats make me a different person..i become a thinker..but i could not express them in words..i know what i feel..
sometimes i do not understand why people like to live in regret..will it make us happier? i feel that when a person live in regret, they are just making themselves miserable and more depressed..
there is this guy i know whom i always keeping in touch wif..erm..from what i can observe, he seem to have feelings for me..but i do not know why i dont feel excited or any sparks when communicating wif him..its more like to entertain him wif conversation...or perhaps both of us are bored..so we just "layan" each other..i know i sounded very mean when saying this..anyway, i dont wan to think about what's next going to happen between me and him..i just treat him like my fren :)
i'm tired having to argue wif my mom or my sister..i dont know..isit a sign of old age..just give in and give in..or perhaps i am just too lazy to fight..:p
my sister can complain almost everyday on why she resigned from her job to a lower pay job..its like she feel nice saying the same thing everyday ..i cant even criticise her..i dont know..or else we just ended up keeping quiet..and stay in silent..
anyway..i'm tired ..i'm just looking forward to my next activity...

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

23.3.2011

What I really Want in the First Place :
1) To leave this job and to go back KL as I found out that they actually trying to kick me out
2) To get married and to have my own family
3) To be independent

Instead :
1) I still stay in this job and sit like dungu and waiting for “”””””””
2) I am still single and start to spend money like nobody business
3) I become follower…

What Happen ??
1) I don’t know..tooo many ghosts follow me
2) I am going insane but actually I am not
3) I am actually dead but soul is too angry to leave my body
4) I just could not get the guy that I want ..
5) I listen too much of my mom..
6) Cos I am not rich 

Solution :
1) Monthly meeting wif Specialist / Psychiatrist
2) Eating medication
3) Going for aerobic
4) Learning music –organ
5) Try to put on a fake smile with everyone when actually I feel hot inside
6) Try to be positive all the time..hard..but have to struggle
7) Complain only inside my heart ..cant whine too much…Reason , there are others out there who is more unlucky than me..so I have to think of the bright side only..and the gloomy side I just put it right inside my heart and let it burst inside and I type whenever I feel angry so at least the doctor who read this understand how I feel..

Emotions :
1) Crying inside..I also don’t know why it happen..
2) And it can effect others too, that’s wat I observe..not to look at them in the eyes..

Suspected :
1) Commit suicide ghost still not at peace

Solution :
1) Pray and do good, Obedient, Give more..Expect Less from others, Waiting for God truly forgiveness ( I guess)

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Being Strong

living a christian life may not be an easy path for a person..
i used to be a bubbly, cheerful and full of fun person..
as age creeping up, so does my character and tend to think more before i act..
i used to think that working life is a bliss..where we just work and earn money..
i realised it is more than just a bliss..
i need to face wif all sorts of office politics..
i always thought working wif the government will be easy..actually it is not..
partly was my fault..i was too self conscious and lack of self confidence..
right from the start, i knew i was not welcome..
i am not part of the group..
i dont think and act the same manners like my colleagues and even wif the management..
when i first join, the government i thought it would be fun..
then i realised working wif the private sector, is much better..no doubt the risk of getting retrenched and being fired by your boss would be there, but it is much better than working wif the government..
in the government, the weaker group will be bullied..i guess i am in the weaker category..mainly because i am too quiet..i prefer to work and instead of acting high and mighty..and doing all the "taichiss" and bossing people around..
perhaps i am not "cut out" to be a leader..i am more an assistant rather than a leader..
my only consolation right now in facing my working life is to pray the Rosary and Divine mercy wif my family..deep down, i dont like my work anymore..its no longer enjoyable..its more like i'm forcing myself to work and waitin for the time to pass faster..

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Weird

hehehehe.. i read my friend's blog and she wrote she was full of anger..i feel angry too but only from inside..feeling so hot..dont know why..
try to drink cold drinks..perhaps due to my stupid monthly pms..
telling my mom that things are getting weirder..she asked me back, how weird?? how should i know?? i wish i could understand..
inside me like to talk n talk n talk..maybe coz i dont have anyone who i can really confine wif..so i tend to talk to myself..
don know y i am so careful and so worry about petty petty issue..
don know y i keep on hoping the time to past fast..
don know y i don feel satisfied in many things..
don know y i keep on complaining...
don know y i feel everything is so hard now..when things suppose to be simple..
don know y ?? just don know y..
lately at home, we are just quiet..everyone deep in thoughts..careful wif words..as if the words will effect people..how come???
kinda bored asking my mom coz she would say i think too much...
weird...
each day same feelings same thoughts..

Monday, February 28, 2011

something to write about..

i have to write something again..although i'm not so sure what to write..
its like i'm running out of idea..
i have been taking organ music class now to past my free time..
i joined back my church youth movement..trying to reconcile back wif my religion i guess after so many doubts and bad depression..
had a big fight wif mom last nite over trivial issue..tryin to please her over and over again..tryin to make up for my past mistake..
ya ya, i shall not commit adultery i shall not cover other's people husband..have to remind myself over and over again..
and look for single guy hahahha..was thinking of Joel but he seem to be moody of his own..and sulking or depressed on his own until i feel should i proceed or should i just let him be wif his own moody world..kind of tiring oso to please everybody..
i told my mom i wan to get married and i am not like my sister..i am just different..
but i dont want to be desperate at the same time..
i just need to be patient i guess and see wat God wants me to do..perhaps he wants me to remain single all my life??? hmmmmmm....who cares..
for now i know i have a lot of debts to pay..so i have to b very very strong will and not to give up easily and try to take things easy...and to be cheerful and smile whenever possible..kinda hard coz we are just mere human being wif feeling and emotions..
watever la..counting days to salary day again..looking forward for my Rainforest Trip in kuching wif cousin and frenzz..and try to learn hard for my music lesson and try to b more involve wif Potter and Clay..becoming a singer oso good..hahhahaha :p :p

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Letter to my Ex Loverss..

I went to visit my therapist last Sunday and we were discussing on issue which I have experience weirdly for the past 6 months..
I even told him about my past relationship and also on religion issue..
The doctor informed me that sometimes certain issue is hard to tell and i told him i have a feeling that my ex wont let me go and he said perhaps it was something like germs or parasites inside my body..so it is up to me to let them go..
he even advised me to write a letter to my ex lovers..
i did not write ..instead i take a walk at Lau Memorial Heritage Walk (i think so) few days ago and i said it out loud..i felt better after that..i could not recall what i have said, but i have said what i have wanted to say...
:P :P :P...

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Confusion..

CONFUSION..why is it i am always confused??
why does some faint voices inside me saying I am Muslim but some said I am Taoism or some said I am Krishna..
as far as I am concerned, when i was feeling down and i Cried..i actually cried out to Jesus..and there is a point of time when i recite a Rosary in the office out of fear of the unknown..
I even feel that someone telling me that My mom actually already pass away and because of me she became a Muslim..so that she can fight on my behalf..as I am so scared and terrified at that time..
I always feel that I am actually already dead..and half of me thinking of committing suicide..but the thought of what will happen after i commit suicide..will i really face an ugly devil? or will i meet up with a beautiful angel and meet up wif God..the real God in heaven..
i do not understand why sometimes it is so hard for us to be in love or like someone out of other religion..isit because we have to follow them or it will change our entire lifestyle..or maybe we are not in love with them but there are some kind of attraction..its just a feeling but we do not know or maybe it is only Lust..Guys just like to see..but other than that they will still stay with their wife..the first one that they married too..
my friend from Penang told me that if i were to go Penang and stayed with her i will have the chance to meet younger guys ..not so old..maybe it wont look nice if you are seen going out with older men as it will look like you are the second one or mistress..some people are open minded..but for how long??? what will the future be?? maybe for the first two or three years you will feel wonderful..after that, as years goes by..how???? so many challenges..
sometimes i wish i could turn back time so that i wont eat and shit at the same place..it kind of make me feel so awkward now..even though i know everyone will be sporting enuff and just pretend and assume nothing had happen..but i am just running out of idea what to talk to him..its like i feel my tongue glue..i guess both of us already let go..but just the awkwardness and nothing in common to share or to converse..
it is my daily battle each day..my mom ask me to find for a new hobby..i really do hope my music lesson will make me things for other positive mind so that i wont keep on thinking of the past..as i feel the past is kind of boring and it actually make me feel insane inside myself..
i know what happen..i know so many conflicts and disputes..i am just like a broken toy...even after repair, the damage is still there..

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Broken Lipstick

every ladies in this world would love to have attention on them most of the time..
some are just plain girls without any makeup wearing simple tee and jeans..while there is another group of ladies who will wear heavy makeup, full of accessories and dress to kill..
makeup is just like a mask to cover a person face..
once you removed your makeup, you will the naked face..
same like us human being..we are born naked..we wear clothes to cover our naked body..
my mom likes to wear Clinique lipstick..and i just dont understand why i love to disturb her stuff..
hmmmm..when i alone at home in my room, i have many thoughts..
but when i reach office, i have a lot of distractions...
i cant wait for my music lesson so that i can play on and on and on and on..
reading music notes maybe (i presume la) might be easier that you study a book words by words..
chest pain..its always been chestpain..unless i do some exercise or sweat my body, my chest will feel light and less pain..
i am now using two type of Lipstick..one frm Amway (gift from my sister) and two from Clinique (one from my best buddy Karen - new complete set with blusher and eye shadow and a used one from my mom..the broken lipstick)....

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Blind

i have a feeling that my eyesight are not as good as before..
Perhaps this is due to aging factor..
there is so much i want to do and so much i feel its time not to be too fast..
its like on a racing track..where you drive a Ferrari car and you just go speeding fast and fast and fast..
i used to get angry faster..then as i getting older, i tried to control my temper..
i used to have a Sabahan best fren.. we always compare each other horoscope..She is a Scorpio and I am a Virgo.. we were at odds and always quarelling..
as times grew, we understand each other feelings so we just bear with each other..some disagreement we try to put it aside and put on a show..
its the same thing happening now to me in my office..having to deal with an office full of different characteristics colleaguess..
at times, i have to stay professional with them and to act high and mighty even deep down i am not that kind of person..
at times, i am just the mere follower and start to observe their behaviors..so that i can blend in something similar like them but keep my own characteristic too..
now i am learning to be a better communicator with people..or perhaps i just try to sweet talk and say all the nice nice things as that is the easiest conversation or just repeat after whatever they have said just to be sure that i am talking to them..
i told my mom that it was just like the "Blind leading the Blind.''..
i have the second chance to live so i just better make full use of it and be grateful instead of crying away at night in sorrow and hoping things will go back as usual which i know it will never happen..but i can pray and hope for more positive things to happen..
everywhere we go, we will face different kind of temptations and challenges and it is up to us how we gonna fight them..spiritually, mentally or physically..
people come and go in our life..for the past, let it be past..there is no such things as similar persons or soulmates..its all in your mind..
life is just like fairy tale when you want it to happen..
the truth is we are living in reality here on earth :)

Monday, January 10, 2011

Unleash the Darkness inside Me

Mother of Mine..
How I miss thee…
Now I just be with my Grandma…

You think I am deaf ka..?????????????? Nahhhh…one big fuck hand for you..
Want me, want my mother..this is shit..
Divorce your wife to be with me, then decided to be my father..so indecisive…
I used parang to chop your head off then only you know..
Make use of my body to make love with everyone..I also know how to make love..I don’t want to show my skill anymore..Kanasai!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah…I have a lot of Fathersssssssssssssss….i am a blind child..but with special eyesight..
Blur vision..heartaches…
Chop your head, chop your penis..chop chop chop…
Between me and God..
God knows and He listens..
HE loves me...

Repetition

another i have to ponder..which is Religion..
i was born a Catholic and brought up in a strict God fearing family..
everytime i went to church and joined the youth activity..everything is about Praise the Lord, charismatic and inner healing..
Not forgetting, the Body of Christ (Bread) or some called it as Blessed Sacrement..
i have read in the verse of Bible..Adam and Eve is the first men and women on earth..
They were naked..in the middle of the Garden of Paradise, there was an apple tree..
Eve for my own perception or perhaps i assume, is kind of curious type of person..i guess she went ventured alone in the Garden of Paradise. There she met a serpent and the serpent tempted her to eat the apple..for the apple is the fruit of knowledge..
Eve believing with the serpent took a bite and suddenly her eyes were open..and she gave Adam some..both of them realised they were naked so they hide themself behind the trees..
then God asked them Adam and Eve where are you??? They replied, " We are behind those leaves. We are shy as we are naked."
God asked, "How do you know you are naked? " "Have you eaten the Forbidden fruit?"
who cares..i'm bored..try to write something else..
everything in my life nowadays is full of repetition..either "Mai Wa Chin Kia" or "Lu Beh Sai Resign"..or "Tu Si LU hai" or "Si Wa Salah"..full of HOkkien spirits inside me..
kind of making me insane..
a bit of evil in our life is like adding a pepper in our food..spice..herbs, curries..
being too nice can be too boring..

Dark Spirit..

i feel cold angered and hatred inside me..
i feel like buying a pistol and shoot shoot shoot a certain face..
he is just a stupid boy..crazy no brain..taking the shortcut to end his life and harrasing my soul..
my soul could not be at peace because of him..the more i pray the saintly i become which i know is not me..
they are still a lot of things i want to do..
i still want to explore the world and see interesting places..
i am thinking to invest in a new digital camera..perhaps i should explore the world taking photo shots and start updating my blog..
i am thinking to learn back my organ lesson which i have abandon years before..
so much of anger inside me..its screaming inside me wanting to get out..
the physical me is normal composed and cool..and just gigggling..
the inner me is full of anger and hot..
i could not shout i could not scream..out loud as i do not wan to be tied up and be sent to mental ward..
civilised people behave in a proper war..we must not act insanely..but i can act insanely on my mind..coz my mind just wan to explode and kill everyone...
i need to exercise more..
i need to smile more..
i need to learn music..music is my life...
dancing????? am not sure yet..maybe just do a circle dance like those red indian..
i used to do tat in front of the mirror.
now just talk and scolding myself in front of the mirror..
its like there is a Miss Hyde inside me..
if you watch the movie Dr Jeckyll and Mr Hyde..wrong potion changed him into a gruesome creature..people fear him and tied him..
i always tell myself i am normal i am normal..
medication only help me to sleep..
waking up i still have to fight with my own spirit and the stupid spirit inside me..
i want to run i wan to escape..but i am trap.
i am finding new hobby..
updating my blog daily, reading, maybe baking simple cake (:p :P :P) and not forgetting my music lesson..
i was thinking to buy an organ and put in the office so i can just play and play and play...its like in the dark gloomy vampire series..
perhaps i should change my wardrobe into all black..
but it wont be proper as i am working wif da govt..later the Sibu people might feel that the HR hiring a vampire lady to oversea Sibu administration..
whichever is not right, just chop their head off..
i have to continue later..
running out of idea now..
should brush up more on my vocabulary and english literature reading..

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Zombie Gal vs Dead Men

i was still fast asleep in my room on Saturday morning when i heard my niece was shouting loudly at the living room "Oi Dead People, Dont Disturb me Watch Tv"..i cant help but laughing..when i walked out frm my room, i saw my younger niece Tasha was lying watching tv..pity her..this two young siblings were always quarelling for no particular reason. i guess both of them fighting for attention..
hmm..let me see, yesterday i decided to go for aerobic class..after half a year lazing around in my house, i forced myself to go..the first 15 min was kind of weird as i still feel awkward and uncomfortable..then slowly, i am able to relax but of coz with all those memories lingering on my head..but i can see everyone was concentrating doing the aerobic exercise so i guess perhaps just in me and myself..between me and the memories..
i'm always dreaming..and i'm not sure why..and i always think..the past, the present and the next thing tat i shud do..i wished i could be more spontaneous and go crazy ..but i realised as my age is creeping older i have to be more laid back.ermm..but i havent even reach 30 years old !!...:P :p :P
there is a guy who i have been keeping in touch in KL, he is not tat bad..just average guy next door kind of person..i dont know why when i chat wif him via sms, something make me stop..its like something sharp ..i dont know..so i called him "Steel Man"..
i used to like going down to district ofis Sibu..now when i think back, i have to slow down a bit..not fear..its something not right i guess..or pehaps i should just ignore and pretend everything is as usual..just hi hi haha with them..
maybe everyone is like tat..some just like to be quiet and be a thinker..:P
i have a disagreement wif my mom yesterday..i was telling her, at times her attitude make people feel they are "Devil"..but how sure are we how devil look like..if the devil look ugly, maybe i will fainted..so far, i don feel anything..i just see all the people around me..and its up to me to talk or not to talk or to smile or not to smile..
i read in a bible that Devil wont make you do something but they will tempt you..so if you do it, you have fallen into the Devil's trap..i used to do tat i guess in KL..hahahahaha....drinking and jumping..and i brought back some of the attitude in Sibu during my first few months..but now thinking back, kind of embarassing..but i still have to act cool..i guess it effect the people around me too..but who cares..past is past..too clean oso not good..a bit of dirt can spice up your life a bit..:P

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Soul Mates..

Few months back, i have a dream of seeing people..that i once knew..people that i once love..who come and go in my life..
i can also feel the connection between that person and the current person that i met right now..
but wat i know is tat, the person that i know of before once in my life before and i have love him before and i know that he has gone to Heaven..perhaps thats why i still have his memories..something in me telling me that the current person that i met might be the same person that i once knew..but deep inside me i know he is not the same person that i used to know..we don share the same passion..perhaps we just like to look at each other and smile..other than that we don have anything in common..
i have a feeling that my own soul stuck wit his soul..due to my past mistake..or maybe he just give me his life because he knows that i am still young and might have the potential one day??? who knows..
i have a dream someone telling me "Welcome to Hell"...how do u know how Hell look like?? i don see anything weird wif Sibu town recently..everythin is just the same..except for myself..i guess i am still not feeling very well..and still searching for wat i really wan to do in my life..i share wif my best buddy in Penang and i told her one day i would love to get married..but to be married you need to find the right person..you must be able to communicate, understand each other, finding something in common...and share the same passion..and it is not good to take away wat belong to others..even though some of them willing to share, but i feel it is not right..
someone told me, it is better look for a guy who is about my age or at least 5 years older..not tat old..well, its more one sharing the same passion or interest kind of thing..you cannot expect that person to go bungee jumping wif u or go running around wit u when u still can do tat..perhaps i shud find a dancing partner..i havent meet someone new yet..and i really don know wat will goin to happen to me in future..i just hope things will get better..and i hope my suffering will end soon..:)

Friday, January 7, 2011

Cold Friday Mind..

its been a habit since young for me to talk within myself..
sometimes i find it weird and at times i find it very funny..
i recalled the time when i was very young, i used to play at my relatives house with my cousin brother and sister..well, they are from my father's side..
the things i cant understand is tat whenever i visited their side, i have a sense of fear..or perhaps inferior complex or perhaps it was my mom's feeling towards them..
i just don understand why i always recalled the memory of me following my father since toddler..
even though i try to push away the thoughts it will still playing on my mind..
when i was young, i used to like to play with my mother's make up set and even her bras..
i will wear them and feel hot all over..kind of weird feeling..
when i grew up, i saw my niece behaving the same way i was when i was young..it did look kind of cute though..
at times, i feel them look like tiny cats..i used to like to cuddle with my mom even at the age of 27 years old..but now i feel embarrased or perhaps the thought of my age almost reaching 30 years old making me feel old or matured..
but i like to disturb my grandmother coz she is the quiet type and just wont care sometimes just ignore you when you talk 3 or 4 times with her..
perhaps she is very boring too sitting alone at home at the sofa..eat, sleep, pray and waiting..i dont like the thought of wondering when she is goin to leave this earth as i ever ask my mom of her age..even my nephew Isaac told me he does not wan to live in this world that old age ..perhaps 70 or 80 years old..
kind of scary the thought of living alone at old age without anyone by your side to care for you..
and i really hate the guy voice inside me..so kaypoh cannot shut up..like to intefere with my thought..:p :p
its raining..and i am running out of idea..i am still thinking wat to wear tonite..i dont feel like dressing up..perhaps i just wear simple blouse and long pant..i hope it is appropriate enuff..kind of lazy to wear kebaya or kurung..maybe i will wear it next Thursday :p :p :p :p
i guess thats all..signing off now..shud invest on thicker dictionary to brush up on my vocabulary..
p.s : New Year Resolution :
1) Smile and stay cheerful
2) Eat healthy food
3) Clubbing and karaoke only (vacation time only) with your very good frenzz and the person you can trusted and will not take advantage of you :P :P :P in an evil way..
4) Quit clubbing and karaoke in SIbu..too dangerous..hahahahahaaha
5) Walk more
6) Join back PnC every Saturday..
7) Just do a bit of evil..so that I have something to say during Confession with the priest as I do not want to look silly going to confession without any sin..
8) watch more movies , read more books, play more games..
9) find a new hobby..cross stich?? or baking?? still thinking
10) remember to set a boundary when communicate with people..dont wan to give wrong idea..

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Puppet

before i start, i have a lot of thoughts..which run over my head over and over again..at times it can be so scary and at times it can be so annoying..i just wish i have someone to talk to on and on..so i wont feel like going insane..the fun part that i was having was able to talk with my fren Adelene from Penang yesterday evening..we were laughin non stop and talking nonsense..i just not sure why it really take patience to be strong..if u suddenly shout in the office like my sister did to her colleague..i just couldnt understand how she can just shout..the only time i shout when i was rushing to a Bukit Kiara concert when my car bumped into a taxi head on..it was a Malay taxi driver..i was kind of impatient and he was dilly dally with me on the payment i should pay for his damage..from RM1000 to RM500 and lastly i told him i will give him a call the next day..a Korean passenger in his taxi was also very impatient and he was like..can u guys deal faster??? although i dont understand any Korean dialect but i can sense he was impatient too..sometimes i dont understand most people feel impatient especially when they wan to settle their own things..if it was related to others, they just couldnt be bother..i used to scream my head off until a colleague pass me catalogue to browse..it was a fashion clothing..perhaps i was way too quiet that i tend to talk inside me non stop and it was like my inner spirit was full of anger..
i can hear a lot of guys voices inside saying "i make love to u" or " i make use of your body to make love with others"..tempting me to kill myself..i wonder wat would happen if i suicide..will i go to Hell??? or i am one Hell myself..coz i could feel myself burning..keep on telling my mom i wan to do acupuncture..and she was so afraid..i am not sure who is staying inside me..but i really hope tat person could behave himself instead of screaming through my ear..
all the faces that i keep on thinking or perhaps they are thinking of me?? of it was stuck?? if i do ask people around me, they will just say i think too much..
some say i am just a new "puppet"..still not used to this environment..some say i have to go back to KL and it will solve my problem..i'm not sure whichever can solve my problem..i'm not sure who is the problem solver?? seem like everyone running here n there tryin to avoid..??
my fren asked me whether i should resign..but i was still thinking..should i?? or am i in my comfort zone..i know it wont make any different if i stay on or i leave..but for now i am thinking wat type of job suit me?? i am kind of robotic at times..but having work in call centre for 3 or 4 years, kind of giving me nightmare..i dont think i can stand being shouted at..
i wonder why when i reach home, i just feel like angry with my mom..i'm not sure..she tried to be strict and stern and all holy but i feel it was a bit fake..it was like she is hiding something..and i dont understand why she just could not forgive my father?? or i was dreaming when i saw the apparition..and up till now i dont understand why my grandma wan to intefere..
even if i were to die, it wont make any different rite?? coz i know i already repent..but something..stop..perhaps the devil inside me just does not want to leave..the devil could not let go..maybe i should just married the devil and tame him..but my mom would start sprinkle holy water all over me and praying Divine Mercy at me..making me look like a fool.i dont mind if i can tame the devil..but i just dont understand my mom..maybe she wan to make love with the devil as well..:)
its just me and my mind...i start to have Red Indian thoughts now..dancing along the circle of fire..hope it will rain tonite..i am feeling so hot..should sleep naked tonite i guess...or sleep inside bath tub..too hot..or jump inside swimming pool....

Wednesday 5 Jan 2011

its 4pm and time for me to scream my head out :)..
i have so many thoughts...evil thoughts and good thoughts..
i guess the most is evil thoughts which i scream inside silently..
i feel pain ..very painful..sometimes i feel maybe i am just having a nightmare..
and i am sure hate those stupid voices inside me..
i love my friends though..and relatives..and few people..but i hate most is Tio Beng Huat..
i don know why..i kept thinking of him..and i feel like slapping him, punching him or just cekik him..
i don know why..i feel like he is making my life so miserable right now..
i think he make me cry and suffer..thats why i just laugh and smile..even though i know i acted silly and crazy in a way..the only way for me to feel better i guess is to smile..
when i frown..it make me feel hurt and pain..and i guess i have to battle with the pain..
medications is just a healing..plus praying, exercising and body massaging.
sometimes i wonder if i ever pray wrongly..i don know why people or thoughts or maybe just my imagination keep on asking me to be a Nun..i dont want to become one..never cross my mind..unless something make me..i am not a devil coz i know i wont intefere with people's affair..i have experience so much and i feel so much..perhaps i just carry this cross ...
i remember a person who went into convent to become Nun but in the end she is just a Missionary..and i guess she dont get much money too..mostly Catholic priests, nuns and missionaries they rely on others to donate money to them..
other Christian denominations like Protestants, Anglicans, Methodist or SIB etc..a lot of denominations, they become Pastors and they can have their own family..
even Muslims..they can married more than once..but how does it feel to share?? when your wife at home waiting for you and thinking about the husband who went out flirting with other ladies outside..much younger and sexier ladies..i guess it takes a lot of patience..
i never realised it..i used to think it was fun and exciting to be with someone's husband..i thought perhaps being a mistress is fun..but i guess the mistress also feeling miserable..thinking if their youthful fading away and the husband might look for another "young innocence victim" who fall into sexual temptations and money..
i used to feel lustful..now i feel like urinating most of the time..hahahahah :p
or feel like vomitting or puking..i dont know why..
but i just bear with it ...don wan to think so much...
all the faces projecting on my mind..shud be a good sign i guess..i don wan Tio Beng Huat face..cant stand him..feel like chopping him..chopping and chopping him into small piecess...
i went to Confession and confessed it to the Arch Bishop Hii, he told me is just a feeling and "Fear of the Lord" mindset..better that way..
Nun life is much more simple..everythin is just black, brown, blue and white..and everything cover up..i still love my hair though..and still doing massage and facial..
i am not vain...but i think all ladies have the same thought..i wear simple makeup like some other colleagues..
when i walk around, i can feel everyone is feeling the same..waiting for the time to be faster and hoping to have a better day the next day..
i am still doubting whether to close my eyes when bath or just look at myself..my mom told me nobody can see...even if they did..everyone have the same body like me rite?? ladies..u have face, body with breast and vagina, two hands and two legs..men..same thing minus the big round breast and vagina..they have flat breast and penis..hahahaahah...
i remember someone told me..whatever we do is between us and God..we may not know wat is right and wat is wrong..but we always learn from our mistake..and always be better from day to day...
someone told me not be a passenger..or a rider..but i feel why do i need myself so miserable in having power..why not just give it someone who can do better than myself..as long u keep urself up to date from time to time..dont be a loner or don hide under nutshell..be observant..and thats important..
sometimes your boss may criticise you or make fun of u, maybe they are just " i don know"..need to show a bit of authority i guess..at least we respect them maybe they might not be very good in management, whatever it is they are still your superior..just be under the radar..to be seen ..once in a while to be heard..when needed..:)
so many stepping stones..so many things i have to learn..trying my best not to get overly excited nowadays..do things step by step..just do wat i can..nobody going to throw me inside a cage..but i am sort of inside a cage of my own..
or its not just me..
tats all la..continue tomoro...

Monday, January 3, 2011

just another day..

how do u deal if u keep on hearing voices inside u?? and worse still if the voices is manly instead of women or girly voices..
wat if ur hobby is singing ? and the thought of singing now make u cold feet as u can sense that the manly voice will suddenly booming out so loud..
i guess it really can make u feel self conscious..u may wonder wat people may think of u and why does this lady voice sounded like Man..hmmmmmm....
kind of tiring to think n moaning or whining about it rite?? just deal wif it and try to ignore the stupid voices inside me..
nowadays getting lazy to argue wif my mom..i can sense she knows something but she does not wan to let me know..even my best fren..n those around me..perhaps it is better for me not to know and to let me keep on guessing for myself..of coz i will never understand..hahahaha..i will only think and wonder and hoping things will get better...
to regret or not to regret?? do i ever feel regret for losing my virginity so early at the age of 21 wif stupid man who does not even have any good future?? i dont know..i guess i met a bunch of losers throughout my young life..and i fall into temptations and lust..but who cares..its just a part of growing up i guess..and people are boring too..once in a while a bit of excitement to spice up your life..those lovely and romantic memories to cherish but not the stupid and hurtful..
i have so many thoughtss...kind of weird..all the thoughts tat i have on certain people..tat does not mean tat i wan to marry them..just a feeling i guess..harmless innocent feeling..hahahahaha :)
at least now i know i don have to jump to any men to sleep wif them..just think shud b enuff...coz i cant erase those memories..it keep on playing on my mind..everything is like in a circle..round and round..its been 7 months..i dont know for how long..just hope it wont bring me down..
oh ya..not forgetting now face stretching is my hobby..always force myself in front of mirror to smile..even sometimes u have nothing to smile..
people say to cry is to let go..but for me..i have let go too much...now my turn to smile..and enjoy day after day wat i am goin to face..
and its natural for tears to fall down i guess especially when ur sleepy, drowsy or watch tv or stare at computer for way too long...
watever i do, i try to keep myself logic..there is no way we can judge a person..we dont even know how heaven or hell look like..all i know is i am born in tis world..and a lot of adventures i have been facing since baby..been naughty since young :P..