23.3.2011

What I really Want in the First Place :
1) To leave this job and to go back KL as I found out that they actually trying to kick me out
2) To get married and to have my own family
3) To be independent

Instead :
1) I still stay in this job and sit like dungu and waiting for “”””””””
2) I am still single and start to spend money like nobody business
3) I become follower…

What Happen ??
1) I don’t know..tooo many ghosts follow me
2) I am going insane but actually I am not
3) I am actually dead but soul is too angry to leave my body
4) I just could not get the guy that I want ..
5) I listen too much of my mom..
6) Cos I am not rich 

Solution :
1) Monthly meeting wif Specialist / Psychiatrist
2) Eating medication
3) Going for aerobic
4) Learning music –organ
5) Try to put on a fake smile with everyone when actually I feel hot inside
6) Try to be positive all the time..hard..but have to struggle
7) Complain only inside my heart ..cant whine too much…Reason , there are others out there who is more unlucky than me..so I have to think of the bright side only..and the gloomy side I just put it right inside my heart and let it burst inside and I type whenever I feel angry so at least the doctor who read this understand how I feel..

Emotions :
1) Crying inside..I also don’t know why it happen..
2) And it can effect others too, that’s wat I observe..not to look at them in the eyes..

Suspected :
1) Commit suicide ghost still not at peace

Solution :
1) Pray and do good, Obedient, Give more..Expect Less from others, Waiting for God truly forgiveness ( I guess)

Being Strong

living a christian life may not be an easy path for a person..
i used to be a bubbly, cheerful and full of fun person..
as age creeping up, so does my character and tend to think more before i act..
i used to think that working life is a bliss..where we just work and earn money..
i realised it is more than just a bliss..
i need to face wif all sorts of office politics..
i always thought working wif the government will be easy..actually it is not..
partly was my fault..i was too self conscious and lack of self confidence..
right from the start, i knew i was not welcome..
i am not part of the group..
i dont think and act the same manners like my colleagues and even wif the management..
when i first join, the government i thought it would be fun..
then i realised working wif the private sector, is much better..no doubt the risk of getting retrenched and being fired by your boss would be there, but it is much better than working wif the government..
in the government, the weaker group will be bullied..i guess i am in the weaker category..mainly because i am too quiet..i prefer to work and instead of acting high and mighty..and doing all the "taichiss" and bossing people around..
perhaps i am not "cut out" to be a leader..i am more an assistant rather than a leader..
my only consolation right now in facing my working life is to pray the Rosary and Divine mercy wif my family..deep down, i dont like my work anymore..its no longer enjoyable..its more like i'm forcing myself to work and waitin for the time to pass faster..

Weird

hehehehe.. i read my friend's blog and she wrote she was full of anger..i feel angry too but only from inside..feeling so hot..dont know why..
try to drink cold drinks..perhaps due to my stupid monthly pms..
telling my mom that things are getting weirder..she asked me back, how weird?? how should i know?? i wish i could understand..
inside me like to talk n talk n talk..maybe coz i dont have anyone who i can really confine wif..so i tend to talk to myself..
don know y i am so careful and so worry about petty petty issue..
don know y i keep on hoping the time to past fast..
don know y i don feel satisfied in many things..
don know y i keep on complaining...
don know y i feel everything is so hard now..when things suppose to be simple..
don know y ?? just don know y..
lately at home, we are just quiet..everyone deep in thoughts..careful wif words..as if the words will effect people..how come???
kinda bored asking my mom coz she would say i think too much...
weird...
each day same feelings same thoughts..