Letter to my Ex Loverss..

I went to visit my therapist last Sunday and we were discussing on issue which I have experience weirdly for the past 6 months..
I even told him about my past relationship and also on religion issue..
The doctor informed me that sometimes certain issue is hard to tell and i told him i have a feeling that my ex wont let me go and he said perhaps it was something like germs or parasites inside my body..so it is up to me to let them go..
he even advised me to write a letter to my ex lovers..
i did not write ..instead i take a walk at Lau Memorial Heritage Walk (i think so) few days ago and i said it out loud..i felt better after that..i could not recall what i have said, but i have said what i have wanted to say...
:P :P :P...

Confusion..

CONFUSION..why is it i am always confused??
why does some faint voices inside me saying I am Muslim but some said I am Taoism or some said I am Krishna..
as far as I am concerned, when i was feeling down and i Cried..i actually cried out to Jesus..and there is a point of time when i recite a Rosary in the office out of fear of the unknown..
I even feel that someone telling me that My mom actually already pass away and because of me she became a Muslim..so that she can fight on my behalf..as I am so scared and terrified at that time..
I always feel that I am actually already dead..and half of me thinking of committing suicide..but the thought of what will happen after i commit suicide..will i really face an ugly devil? or will i meet up with a beautiful angel and meet up wif God..the real God in heaven..
i do not understand why sometimes it is so hard for us to be in love or like someone out of other religion..isit because we have to follow them or it will change our entire lifestyle..or maybe we are not in love with them but there are some kind of attraction..its just a feeling but we do not know or maybe it is only Lust..Guys just like to see..but other than that they will still stay with their wife..the first one that they married too..
my friend from Penang told me that if i were to go Penang and stayed with her i will have the chance to meet younger guys ..not so old..maybe it wont look nice if you are seen going out with older men as it will look like you are the second one or mistress..some people are open minded..but for how long??? what will the future be?? maybe for the first two or three years you will feel wonderful..after that, as years goes by..how???? so many challenges..
sometimes i wish i could turn back time so that i wont eat and shit at the same place..it kind of make me feel so awkward now..even though i know everyone will be sporting enuff and just pretend and assume nothing had happen..but i am just running out of idea what to talk to him..its like i feel my tongue glue..i guess both of us already let go..but just the awkwardness and nothing in common to share or to converse..
it is my daily battle each day..my mom ask me to find for a new hobby..i really do hope my music lesson will make me things for other positive mind so that i wont keep on thinking of the past..as i feel the past is kind of boring and it actually make me feel insane inside myself..
i know what happen..i know so many conflicts and disputes..i am just like a broken toy...even after repair, the damage is still there..

Broken Lipstick

every ladies in this world would love to have attention on them most of the time..
some are just plain girls without any makeup wearing simple tee and jeans..while there is another group of ladies who will wear heavy makeup, full of accessories and dress to kill..
makeup is just like a mask to cover a person face..
once you removed your makeup, you will the naked face..
same like us human being..we are born naked..we wear clothes to cover our naked body..
my mom likes to wear Clinique lipstick..and i just dont understand why i love to disturb her stuff..
hmmmm..when i alone at home in my room, i have many thoughts..
but when i reach office, i have a lot of distractions...
i cant wait for my music lesson so that i can play on and on and on and on..
reading music notes maybe (i presume la) might be easier that you study a book words by words..
chest pain..its always been chestpain..unless i do some exercise or sweat my body, my chest will feel light and less pain..
i am now using two type of Lipstick..one frm Amway (gift from my sister) and two from Clinique (one from my best buddy Karen - new complete set with blusher and eye shadow and a used one from my mom..the broken lipstick)....

Blind

i have a feeling that my eyesight are not as good as before..
Perhaps this is due to aging factor..
there is so much i want to do and so much i feel its time not to be too fast..
its like on a racing track..where you drive a Ferrari car and you just go speeding fast and fast and fast..
i used to get angry faster..then as i getting older, i tried to control my temper..
i used to have a Sabahan best fren.. we always compare each other horoscope..She is a Scorpio and I am a Virgo.. we were at odds and always quarelling..
as times grew, we understand each other feelings so we just bear with each other..some disagreement we try to put it aside and put on a show..
its the same thing happening now to me in my office..having to deal with an office full of different characteristics colleaguess..
at times, i have to stay professional with them and to act high and mighty even deep down i am not that kind of person..
at times, i am just the mere follower and start to observe their behaviors..so that i can blend in something similar like them but keep my own characteristic too..
now i am learning to be a better communicator with people..or perhaps i just try to sweet talk and say all the nice nice things as that is the easiest conversation or just repeat after whatever they have said just to be sure that i am talking to them..
i told my mom that it was just like the "Blind leading the Blind.''..
i have the second chance to live so i just better make full use of it and be grateful instead of crying away at night in sorrow and hoping things will go back as usual which i know it will never happen..but i can pray and hope for more positive things to happen..
everywhere we go, we will face different kind of temptations and challenges and it is up to us how we gonna fight them..spiritually, mentally or physically..
people come and go in our life..for the past, let it be past..there is no such things as similar persons or soulmates..its all in your mind..
life is just like fairy tale when you want it to happen..
the truth is we are living in reality here on earth :)

Unleash the Darkness inside Me

Mother of Mine..
How I miss thee…
Now I just be with my Grandma…

You think I am deaf ka..?????????????? Nahhhh…one big fuck hand for you..
Want me, want my mother..this is shit..
Divorce your wife to be with me, then decided to be my father..so indecisive…
I used parang to chop your head off then only you know..
Make use of my body to make love with everyone..I also know how to make love..I don’t want to show my skill anymore..Kanasai!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah…I have a lot of Fathersssssssssssssss….i am a blind child..but with special eyesight..
Blur vision..heartaches…
Chop your head, chop your penis..chop chop chop…
Between me and God..
God knows and He listens..
HE loves me...

Repetition

another i have to ponder..which is Religion..
i was born a Catholic and brought up in a strict God fearing family..
everytime i went to church and joined the youth activity..everything is about Praise the Lord, charismatic and inner healing..
Not forgetting, the Body of Christ (Bread) or some called it as Blessed Sacrement..
i have read in the verse of Bible..Adam and Eve is the first men and women on earth..
They were naked..in the middle of the Garden of Paradise, there was an apple tree..
Eve for my own perception or perhaps i assume, is kind of curious type of person..i guess she went ventured alone in the Garden of Paradise. There she met a serpent and the serpent tempted her to eat the apple..for the apple is the fruit of knowledge..
Eve believing with the serpent took a bite and suddenly her eyes were open..and she gave Adam some..both of them realised they were naked so they hide themself behind the trees..
then God asked them Adam and Eve where are you??? They replied, " We are behind those leaves. We are shy as we are naked."
God asked, "How do you know you are naked? " "Have you eaten the Forbidden fruit?"
who cares..i'm bored..try to write something else..
everything in my life nowadays is full of repetition..either "Mai Wa Chin Kia" or "Lu Beh Sai Resign"..or "Tu Si LU hai" or "Si Wa Salah"..full of HOkkien spirits inside me..
kind of making me insane..
a bit of evil in our life is like adding a pepper in our food..spice..herbs, curries..
being too nice can be too boring..

Dark Spirit..

i feel cold angered and hatred inside me..
i feel like buying a pistol and shoot shoot shoot a certain face..
he is just a stupid boy..crazy no brain..taking the shortcut to end his life and harrasing my soul..
my soul could not be at peace because of him..the more i pray the saintly i become which i know is not me..
they are still a lot of things i want to do..
i still want to explore the world and see interesting places..
i am thinking to invest in a new digital camera..perhaps i should explore the world taking photo shots and start updating my blog..
i am thinking to learn back my organ lesson which i have abandon years before..
so much of anger inside me..its screaming inside me wanting to get out..
the physical me is normal composed and cool..and just gigggling..
the inner me is full of anger and hot..
i could not shout i could not scream..out loud as i do not wan to be tied up and be sent to mental ward..
civilised people behave in a proper war..we must not act insanely..but i can act insanely on my mind..coz my mind just wan to explode and kill everyone...
i need to exercise more..
i need to smile more..
i need to learn music..music is my life...
dancing????? am not sure yet..maybe just do a circle dance like those red indian..
i used to do tat in front of the mirror.
now just talk and scolding myself in front of the mirror..
its like there is a Miss Hyde inside me..
if you watch the movie Dr Jeckyll and Mr Hyde..wrong potion changed him into a gruesome creature..people fear him and tied him..
i always tell myself i am normal i am normal..
medication only help me to sleep..
waking up i still have to fight with my own spirit and the stupid spirit inside me..
i want to run i wan to escape..but i am trap.
i am finding new hobby..
updating my blog daily, reading, maybe baking simple cake (:p :P :P) and not forgetting my music lesson..
i was thinking to buy an organ and put in the office so i can just play and play and play...its like in the dark gloomy vampire series..
perhaps i should change my wardrobe into all black..
but it wont be proper as i am working wif da govt..later the Sibu people might feel that the HR hiring a vampire lady to oversea Sibu administration..
whichever is not right, just chop their head off..
i have to continue later..
running out of idea now..
should brush up more on my vocabulary and english literature reading..