Living in Regret

i wish i was smart enough to write something more meaningful for my blog..
instead all i could think of is complain and whining...
there are a lot of factors or a lot of scenarios which i have experience worse than me..perhaps tats make me a different person..i become a thinker..but i could not express them in words..i know what i feel..
sometimes i do not understand why people like to live in regret..will it make us happier? i feel that when a person live in regret, they are just making themselves miserable and more depressed..
there is this guy i know whom i always keeping in touch wif..erm..from what i can observe, he seem to have feelings for me..but i do not know why i dont feel excited or any sparks when communicating wif him..its more like to entertain him wif conversation...or perhaps both of us are bored..so we just "layan" each other..i know i sounded very mean when saying this..anyway, i dont wan to think about what's next going to happen between me and him..i just treat him like my fren :)
i'm tired having to argue wif my mom or my sister..i dont know..isit a sign of old age..just give in and give in..or perhaps i am just too lazy to fight..:p
my sister can complain almost everyday on why she resigned from her job to a lower pay job..its like she feel nice saying the same thing everyday ..i cant even criticise her..i dont know..or else we just ended up keeping quiet..and stay in silent..
anyway..i'm tired ..i'm just looking forward to my next activity...

23.3.2011

What I really Want in the First Place :
1) To leave this job and to go back KL as I found out that they actually trying to kick me out
2) To get married and to have my own family
3) To be independent

Instead :
1) I still stay in this job and sit like dungu and waiting for “”””””””
2) I am still single and start to spend money like nobody business
3) I become follower…

What Happen ??
1) I don’t know..tooo many ghosts follow me
2) I am going insane but actually I am not
3) I am actually dead but soul is too angry to leave my body
4) I just could not get the guy that I want ..
5) I listen too much of my mom..
6) Cos I am not rich 

Solution :
1) Monthly meeting wif Specialist / Psychiatrist
2) Eating medication
3) Going for aerobic
4) Learning music –organ
5) Try to put on a fake smile with everyone when actually I feel hot inside
6) Try to be positive all the time..hard..but have to struggle
7) Complain only inside my heart ..cant whine too much…Reason , there are others out there who is more unlucky than me..so I have to think of the bright side only..and the gloomy side I just put it right inside my heart and let it burst inside and I type whenever I feel angry so at least the doctor who read this understand how I feel..

Emotions :
1) Crying inside..I also don’t know why it happen..
2) And it can effect others too, that’s wat I observe..not to look at them in the eyes..

Suspected :
1) Commit suicide ghost still not at peace

Solution :
1) Pray and do good, Obedient, Give more..Expect Less from others, Waiting for God truly forgiveness ( I guess)

Being Strong

living a christian life may not be an easy path for a person..
i used to be a bubbly, cheerful and full of fun person..
as age creeping up, so does my character and tend to think more before i act..
i used to think that working life is a bliss..where we just work and earn money..
i realised it is more than just a bliss..
i need to face wif all sorts of office politics..
i always thought working wif the government will be easy..actually it is not..
partly was my fault..i was too self conscious and lack of self confidence..
right from the start, i knew i was not welcome..
i am not part of the group..
i dont think and act the same manners like my colleagues and even wif the management..
when i first join, the government i thought it would be fun..
then i realised working wif the private sector, is much better..no doubt the risk of getting retrenched and being fired by your boss would be there, but it is much better than working wif the government..
in the government, the weaker group will be bullied..i guess i am in the weaker category..mainly because i am too quiet..i prefer to work and instead of acting high and mighty..and doing all the "taichiss" and bossing people around..
perhaps i am not "cut out" to be a leader..i am more an assistant rather than a leader..
my only consolation right now in facing my working life is to pray the Rosary and Divine mercy wif my family..deep down, i dont like my work anymore..its no longer enjoyable..its more like i'm forcing myself to work and waitin for the time to pass faster..

Weird

hehehehe.. i read my friend's blog and she wrote she was full of anger..i feel angry too but only from inside..feeling so hot..dont know why..
try to drink cold drinks..perhaps due to my stupid monthly pms..
telling my mom that things are getting weirder..she asked me back, how weird?? how should i know?? i wish i could understand..
inside me like to talk n talk n talk..maybe coz i dont have anyone who i can really confine wif..so i tend to talk to myself..
don know y i am so careful and so worry about petty petty issue..
don know y i keep on hoping the time to past fast..
don know y i don feel satisfied in many things..
don know y i keep on complaining...
don know y i feel everything is so hard now..when things suppose to be simple..
don know y ?? just don know y..
lately at home, we are just quiet..everyone deep in thoughts..careful wif words..as if the words will effect people..how come???
kinda bored asking my mom coz she would say i think too much...
weird...
each day same feelings same thoughts..

something to write about..

i have to write something again..although i'm not so sure what to write..
its like i'm running out of idea..
i have been taking organ music class now to past my free time..
i joined back my church youth movement..trying to reconcile back wif my religion i guess after so many doubts and bad depression..
had a big fight wif mom last nite over trivial issue..tryin to please her over and over again..tryin to make up for my past mistake..
ya ya, i shall not commit adultery i shall not cover other's people husband..have to remind myself over and over again..
and look for single guy hahahha..was thinking of Joel but he seem to be moody of his own..and sulking or depressed on his own until i feel should i proceed or should i just let him be wif his own moody world..kind of tiring oso to please everybody..
i told my mom i wan to get married and i am not like my sister..i am just different..
but i dont want to be desperate at the same time..
i just need to be patient i guess and see wat God wants me to do..perhaps he wants me to remain single all my life??? hmmmmmm....who cares..
for now i know i have a lot of debts to pay..so i have to b very very strong will and not to give up easily and try to take things easy...and to be cheerful and smile whenever possible..kinda hard coz we are just mere human being wif feeling and emotions..
watever la..counting days to salary day again..looking forward for my Rainforest Trip in kuching wif cousin and frenzz..and try to learn hard for my music lesson and try to b more involve wif Potter and Clay..becoming a singer oso good..hahhahaha :p :p

Letter to my Ex Loverss..

I went to visit my therapist last Sunday and we were discussing on issue which I have experience weirdly for the past 6 months..
I even told him about my past relationship and also on religion issue..
The doctor informed me that sometimes certain issue is hard to tell and i told him i have a feeling that my ex wont let me go and he said perhaps it was something like germs or parasites inside my body..so it is up to me to let them go..
he even advised me to write a letter to my ex lovers..
i did not write ..instead i take a walk at Lau Memorial Heritage Walk (i think so) few days ago and i said it out loud..i felt better after that..i could not recall what i have said, but i have said what i have wanted to say...
:P :P :P...

Confusion..

CONFUSION..why is it i am always confused??
why does some faint voices inside me saying I am Muslim but some said I am Taoism or some said I am Krishna..
as far as I am concerned, when i was feeling down and i Cried..i actually cried out to Jesus..and there is a point of time when i recite a Rosary in the office out of fear of the unknown..
I even feel that someone telling me that My mom actually already pass away and because of me she became a Muslim..so that she can fight on my behalf..as I am so scared and terrified at that time..
I always feel that I am actually already dead..and half of me thinking of committing suicide..but the thought of what will happen after i commit suicide..will i really face an ugly devil? or will i meet up with a beautiful angel and meet up wif God..the real God in heaven..
i do not understand why sometimes it is so hard for us to be in love or like someone out of other religion..isit because we have to follow them or it will change our entire lifestyle..or maybe we are not in love with them but there are some kind of attraction..its just a feeling but we do not know or maybe it is only Lust..Guys just like to see..but other than that they will still stay with their wife..the first one that they married too..
my friend from Penang told me that if i were to go Penang and stayed with her i will have the chance to meet younger guys ..not so old..maybe it wont look nice if you are seen going out with older men as it will look like you are the second one or mistress..some people are open minded..but for how long??? what will the future be?? maybe for the first two or three years you will feel wonderful..after that, as years goes by..how???? so many challenges..
sometimes i wish i could turn back time so that i wont eat and shit at the same place..it kind of make me feel so awkward now..even though i know everyone will be sporting enuff and just pretend and assume nothing had happen..but i am just running out of idea what to talk to him..its like i feel my tongue glue..i guess both of us already let go..but just the awkwardness and nothing in common to share or to converse..
it is my daily battle each day..my mom ask me to find for a new hobby..i really do hope my music lesson will make me things for other positive mind so that i wont keep on thinking of the past..as i feel the past is kind of boring and it actually make me feel insane inside myself..
i know what happen..i know so many conflicts and disputes..i am just like a broken toy...even after repair, the damage is still there..