Confusion..

CONFUSION..why is it i am always confused??
why does some faint voices inside me saying I am Muslim but some said I am Taoism or some said I am Krishna..
as far as I am concerned, when i was feeling down and i Cried..i actually cried out to Jesus..and there is a point of time when i recite a Rosary in the office out of fear of the unknown..
I even feel that someone telling me that My mom actually already pass away and because of me she became a Muslim..so that she can fight on my behalf..as I am so scared and terrified at that time..
I always feel that I am actually already dead..and half of me thinking of committing suicide..but the thought of what will happen after i commit suicide..will i really face an ugly devil? or will i meet up with a beautiful angel and meet up wif God..the real God in heaven..
i do not understand why sometimes it is so hard for us to be in love or like someone out of other religion..isit because we have to follow them or it will change our entire lifestyle..or maybe we are not in love with them but there are some kind of attraction..its just a feeling but we do not know or maybe it is only Lust..Guys just like to see..but other than that they will still stay with their wife..the first one that they married too..
my friend from Penang told me that if i were to go Penang and stayed with her i will have the chance to meet younger guys ..not so old..maybe it wont look nice if you are seen going out with older men as it will look like you are the second one or mistress..some people are open minded..but for how long??? what will the future be?? maybe for the first two or three years you will feel wonderful..after that, as years goes by..how???? so many challenges..
sometimes i wish i could turn back time so that i wont eat and shit at the same place..it kind of make me feel so awkward now..even though i know everyone will be sporting enuff and just pretend and assume nothing had happen..but i am just running out of idea what to talk to him..its like i feel my tongue glue..i guess both of us already let go..but just the awkwardness and nothing in common to share or to converse..
it is my daily battle each day..my mom ask me to find for a new hobby..i really do hope my music lesson will make me things for other positive mind so that i wont keep on thinking of the past..as i feel the past is kind of boring and it actually make me feel insane inside myself..
i know what happen..i know so many conflicts and disputes..i am just like a broken toy...even after repair, the damage is still there..