i feel cold angered and hatred inside me..
i feel like buying a pistol and shoot shoot shoot a certain face..
he is just a stupid boy..crazy no brain..taking the shortcut to end his life and harrasing my soul..
my soul could not be at peace because of him..the more i pray the saintly i become which i know is not me..
they are still a lot of things i want to do..
i still want to explore the world and see interesting places..
i am thinking to invest in a new digital camera..perhaps i should explore the world taking photo shots and start updating my blog..
i am thinking to learn back my organ lesson which i have abandon years before..
so much of anger inside me..its screaming inside me wanting to get out..
the physical me is normal composed and cool..and just gigggling..
the inner me is full of anger and hot..
i could not shout i could not scream..out loud as i do not wan to be tied up and be sent to mental ward..
civilised people behave in a proper war..we must not act insanely..but i can act insanely on my mind..coz my mind just wan to explode and kill everyone...
i need to exercise more..
i need to smile more..
i need to learn music..music is my life...
dancing????? am not sure yet..maybe just do a circle dance like those red indian..
i used to do tat in front of the mirror.
now just talk and scolding myself in front of the mirror..
its like there is a Miss Hyde inside me..
if you watch the movie Dr Jeckyll and Mr Hyde..wrong potion changed him into a gruesome creature..people fear him and tied him..
i always tell myself i am normal i am normal..
medication only help me to sleep..
waking up i still have to fight with my own spirit and the stupid spirit inside me..
i want to run i wan to escape..but i am trap.
i am finding new hobby..
updating my blog daily, reading, maybe baking simple cake (:p :P :P) and not forgetting my music lesson..
i was thinking to buy an organ and put in the office so i can just play and play and play...its like in the dark gloomy vampire series..
perhaps i should change my wardrobe into all black..
but it wont be proper as i am working wif da govt..later the Sibu people might feel that the HR hiring a vampire lady to oversea Sibu administration..
whichever is not right, just chop their head off..
i have to continue later..
running out of idea now..
should brush up more on my vocabulary and english literature reading..
zabo, sometimes I wish you could cry instead of smiling, giggling or laughing in front of us. I know lilian feels the same way too. We wish you can show the true you, dont just put on a mask afraid that people might not like you if that is the true you. Do you know why you are like split personality now? because you press yourself too much and too hard until you let your mind control your emotion and listen to that "voice" inside you that slowly getting more evil.
ReplyDeletecynthia in my mind is still the confused, clumsy, shy, sensitive, easily influenced but full of compassion and kind hearted girl.
Dont let anything change you. And hang in there!
I agree that picking up the new skill can make us feel good too. In fact, I wish i could learn the guitar and other new skill to upgrade myself:)
jia you la!! Love you!