its 4pm and time for me to scream my head out :)..
i have so many thoughts...evil thoughts and good thoughts..
i guess the most is evil thoughts which i scream inside silently..
i feel pain ..very painful..sometimes i feel maybe i am just having a nightmare..
and i am sure hate those stupid voices inside me..
i love my friends though..and relatives..and few people..but i hate most is Tio Beng Huat..
i don know why..i kept thinking of him..and i feel like slapping him, punching him or just cekik him..
i don know why..i feel like he is making my life so miserable right now..
i think he make me cry and suffer..thats why i just laugh and smile..even though i know i acted silly and crazy in a way..the only way for me to feel better i guess is to smile..
when i frown..it make me feel hurt and pain..and i guess i have to battle with the pain..
medications is just a healing..plus praying, exercising and body massaging.
sometimes i wonder if i ever pray wrongly..i don know why people or thoughts or maybe just my imagination keep on asking me to be a Nun..i dont want to become one..never cross my mind..unless something make me..i am not a devil coz i know i wont intefere with people's affair..i have experience so much and i feel so much..perhaps i just carry this cross ...
i remember a person who went into convent to become Nun but in the end she is just a Missionary..and i guess she dont get much money too..mostly Catholic priests, nuns and missionaries they rely on others to donate money to them..
other Christian denominations like Protestants, Anglicans, Methodist or SIB etc..a lot of denominations, they become Pastors and they can have their own family..
even Muslims..they can married more than once..but how does it feel to share?? when your wife at home waiting for you and thinking about the husband who went out flirting with other ladies outside..much younger and sexier ladies..i guess it takes a lot of patience..
i never realised it..i used to think it was fun and exciting to be with someone's husband..i thought perhaps being a mistress is fun..but i guess the mistress also feeling miserable..thinking if their youthful fading away and the husband might look for another "young innocence victim" who fall into sexual temptations and money..
i used to feel lustful..now i feel like urinating most of the time..hahahahah :p
or feel like vomitting or puking..i dont know why..
but i just bear with it ...don wan to think so much...
all the faces projecting on my mind..shud be a good sign i guess..i don wan Tio Beng Huat face..cant stand him..feel like chopping him..chopping and chopping him into small piecess...
i went to Confession and confessed it to the Arch Bishop Hii, he told me is just a feeling and "Fear of the Lord" mindset..better that way..
Nun life is much more simple..everythin is just black, brown, blue and white..and everything cover up..i still love my hair though..and still doing massage and facial..
i am not vain...but i think all ladies have the same thought..i wear simple makeup like some other colleagues..
when i walk around, i can feel everyone is feeling the same..waiting for the time to be faster and hoping to have a better day the next day..
i am still doubting whether to close my eyes when bath or just look at myself..my mom told me nobody can see...even if they did..everyone have the same body like me rite?? ladies..u have face, body with breast and vagina, two hands and two legs..men..same thing minus the big round breast and vagina..they have flat breast and penis..hahahaahah...
i remember someone told me..whatever we do is between us and God..we may not know wat is right and wat is wrong..but we always learn from our mistake..and always be better from day to day...
someone told me not be a passenger..or a rider..but i feel why do i need myself so miserable in having power..why not just give it someone who can do better than myself..as long u keep urself up to date from time to time..dont be a loner or don hide under nutshell..be observant..and thats important..
sometimes your boss may criticise you or make fun of u, maybe they are just " i don know"..need to show a bit of authority i guess..at least we respect them maybe they might not be very good in management, whatever it is they are still your superior..just be under the radar..to be seen ..once in a while to be heard..when needed..:)
so many stepping stones..so many things i have to learn..trying my best not to get overly excited nowadays..do things step by step..just do wat i can..nobody going to throw me inside a cage..but i am sort of inside a cage of my own..
or its not just me..
tats all la..continue tomoro...
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