Puppet

before i start, i have a lot of thoughts..which run over my head over and over again..at times it can be so scary and at times it can be so annoying..i just wish i have someone to talk to on and on..so i wont feel like going insane..the fun part that i was having was able to talk with my fren Adelene from Penang yesterday evening..we were laughin non stop and talking nonsense..i just not sure why it really take patience to be strong..if u suddenly shout in the office like my sister did to her colleague..i just couldnt understand how she can just shout..the only time i shout when i was rushing to a Bukit Kiara concert when my car bumped into a taxi head on..it was a Malay taxi driver..i was kind of impatient and he was dilly dally with me on the payment i should pay for his damage..from RM1000 to RM500 and lastly i told him i will give him a call the next day..a Korean passenger in his taxi was also very impatient and he was like..can u guys deal faster??? although i dont understand any Korean dialect but i can sense he was impatient too..sometimes i dont understand most people feel impatient especially when they wan to settle their own things..if it was related to others, they just couldnt be bother..i used to scream my head off until a colleague pass me catalogue to browse..it was a fashion clothing..perhaps i was way too quiet that i tend to talk inside me non stop and it was like my inner spirit was full of anger..
i can hear a lot of guys voices inside saying "i make love to u" or " i make use of your body to make love with others"..tempting me to kill myself..i wonder wat would happen if i suicide..will i go to Hell??? or i am one Hell myself..coz i could feel myself burning..keep on telling my mom i wan to do acupuncture..and she was so afraid..i am not sure who is staying inside me..but i really hope tat person could behave himself instead of screaming through my ear..
all the faces that i keep on thinking or perhaps they are thinking of me?? of it was stuck?? if i do ask people around me, they will just say i think too much..
some say i am just a new "puppet"..still not used to this environment..some say i have to go back to KL and it will solve my problem..i'm not sure whichever can solve my problem..i'm not sure who is the problem solver?? seem like everyone running here n there tryin to avoid..??
my fren asked me whether i should resign..but i was still thinking..should i?? or am i in my comfort zone..i know it wont make any different if i stay on or i leave..but for now i am thinking wat type of job suit me?? i am kind of robotic at times..but having work in call centre for 3 or 4 years, kind of giving me nightmare..i dont think i can stand being shouted at..
i wonder why when i reach home, i just feel like angry with my mom..i'm not sure..she tried to be strict and stern and all holy but i feel it was a bit fake..it was like she is hiding something..and i dont understand why she just could not forgive my father?? or i was dreaming when i saw the apparition..and up till now i dont understand why my grandma wan to intefere..
even if i were to die, it wont make any different rite?? coz i know i already repent..but something..stop..perhaps the devil inside me just does not want to leave..the devil could not let go..maybe i should just married the devil and tame him..but my mom would start sprinkle holy water all over me and praying Divine Mercy at me..making me look like a fool.i dont mind if i can tame the devil..but i just dont understand my mom..maybe she wan to make love with the devil as well..:)
its just me and my mind...i start to have Red Indian thoughts now..dancing along the circle of fire..hope it will rain tonite..i am feeling so hot..should sleep naked tonite i guess...or sleep inside bath tub..too hot..or jump inside swimming pool....